


the drowning man

by kiyala



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 15:59:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2197935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiyala/pseuds/kiyala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amy loves Kieren, that much is clear. Simon wonders if he will love Kieren too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the drowning man

Simon feels. 

He is no stranger to feeling, to the prick of needles against his skin, to the rush of blood in his veins, to the crushing weight upon his chest that accompanies the thought of, _this is it, this is all we ever are_.

But Simon doesn't feel any of that now. His heart is still in his chest, like a fly in resin, the constant, pointless fluttering brought to a stop. He doesn't need a heartbeat and now, he doesn't need syringes at hand, doesn't feel like crawling out of his skin. The neurotryptaline is returning his memories in bits and pieces, but is yet to awaken the pathways that once crackled with life, reducing his world to nothing but where to get his next hit.

What he feels now is something he hasn't felt in a very, very long time. Walking with Amy, his hands in his pockets as she talks and smiles and talks some more, Simon feels love. He feels fond of her, and Amy is well-known within the commune for her cheerfulness and her insistence on enjoying her second life. Simon knew that she was special, long before he knew that she was from Roarton, before he even knew that it was significant. 

Amy has no expectations for Simon to meet. She's happy to simply _be_ , she needs only to be loved and, well, Simon supposes he can relate to that. They walk the quiet streets around the commune together, Amy's dress swaying with each step she takes, Simon's shoulders hunched as he walks beside her. He doesn't need to orate and while she listens to him when he does, he's more than happy to be silent, to let her speak instead.

When he asks her about the others who rose in Roarton, she only ever really talks about one. There's fondness in her tone, in her wide eyes and bright smile, different to anything else Simon has seen from her. He recognises that as love too, and marvels at this second life of theirs, where love comes easier. He supposes it might have something to do with the fact that fear is becoming an increasingly distant memory, something that belongs in the rehabilitation centre, in his bedroom in the middle of the night while his father screamed and threw him out. Even that feels as far removed from now as his memories of living, simply more scars for Simon to bear. Now, it's just a matter of what he'll do with them.

He blinks slowly and turns his attention back to Amy, who is telling him about Kieren, who is handsome and kind and sad and hopeful, who sounds like the best thing in Roarton, if not the only good thing the town has to offer, outside of their mission.

"We're going to help him so much," Amy says, the smile never leaving her face. "He's so wonderful, Simon, I just know you'll love him."

She talks all about how they're going to be best friends, about how Kieren could do with more _good_ friends, and Simon finds that he can't quite stop thinking about it. He never had close friends when he was living and yet he's made friends with all the Disciples, he's befriended others at the commune, none of them better or easier than with Amy. He wonders what it would be like to meet someone so loved by someone he loves, wonders whether he would love Kieren too.

"Tell me more," he requests, and hides his smile in the tiny curve at the corner of his mouth when Amy's face lights up. 

She paints him a picture of Kieren, of who he is, pieced together from what she knows of him and what she's seen and heard and worked out about his previous life. Simon sees a boy who has lived with fear, whose fear clings to him like seaweed to a drowning man, hindering him even as he tries to break free.

Amy talks about Rick, and it sets Simon's teeth on edge. It's clear that she doesn't like him and Simon listens to her story, waiting for find out why. It doesn't take long. 

Rick might have lived in Roarton, but he didn't rise there. His death is no loss to their mission and while Amy is sad on Kieren's behalf, Simon is not. He deserves better than to be loved by someone on _their_ terms, pulled close when it's convenient and pushed away when it's not. Simon is no stranger to the panic of the god-fearing when faced with their homosexuality, especially in the context of the strict, easily disappointed father. He knows how it goes and he knows the options Rick had better than most. Simon might not have been a good person when he was alive but he thinks that perhaps he can change that now. 

"I can't wait for you to meet Kieren," Amy says excitedly.

"Neither can I," Simon replies, and is surprised by just how much he means it. 

The weeks until their trip to Roarton turns into days and Amy's excitement grows. Simon is nervous, for the first time since following the Prophet. It's not something he knows how to talk about, so he dwells on it silently instead. He thinks about Kieren almost as much as Amy talks about him, half excited and half afraid to meet the man he knows so much about and doesn't know at all. He thinks of the people like himself that he knows, before and after death. People who chased their highs to the very end, who wanted nothing more than to escape. 

Amy's never mentioned how Kieren died, though Simon is sure that she knows. He's come to his own conclusions, based on experience, based on the way the name _Rick_ makes his hackles rise. He wonders if Kieren will be like the others he's known, small and quiet and reedy with puncture marks that match Simon's own. He imagines their eyes meeting, imagines them knowing each other for who they are and what they've done, imagines someone telling him that it's okay, imagines saying it back. 

He sits still during the entire train ride to Roarton, resisting the urge to tap his fingers against his knee the way he wants to. He doesn't need to be this nervous, but no matter how many times he repeats it in his head, it doesn't stick.

When they arrive at Roarton and get settled in Amy's bungalow, Simon is sick of being still. Amy goes to find Kieren. Simon walks around the town, takes in the place where the Rising first occurred. The graveyard is easy to find and easier to get into. He finds Kieren's grave, traces the engraved name with his fingers, pretending he can feel the cool marble. He knows he won't see Kieren today. 

Amy comes home happy that night, and it's all he needs to know that she's seen Kieren. Simon's nervousness turns to impatience, eager to get this over with. He's not afraid of disappointment, because he knows there is no way Amy can be so attached to someone without them being interesting in some way.

"You're meeting him tomorrow," she announces, and Simon smiles at her. She gives him directions to the graveyard and he nods, pretending that he hasn't found it himself. 

He goes there early, returning to Kieren's grave. The graveyard is empty except for him and he puts his hands into his pockets and waits.

Kieren doesn't make him wait for long. The man Simon comes face to face with is nothing like he'd expected, thin but not in the sickly sense, obviously dead but only due to the amount of mousse he wears rather than the lack of it. His eyes are big and beautiful and expressive, and Simon longs to see what they look like without the contacts. 

The more Kieren speaks, the more Simon's expectations are shattered entirely, but as he'd expected, he isn't the slightest bit disappointed. Kieren looks at him, eyebrows drawn together, even more lost than Amy had described. 

Simon thinks of just how much he could help. He thinks of how he can open Kieren's eyes to the truth of their situation, unravel the fear that drags him down and pull him to salvation. 

But mostly, Simon thinks about how he could very easily love Kieren Walker.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to [Squash](http://archiveofourown.org/users/nothing_rhymes_with_ianto/pseuds/nothing_rhymes_with_ianto) for all of their help with this!


End file.
